Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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