I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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