the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
