So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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