Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
