Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
