we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
