Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
And then he peed in my hair
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