Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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