Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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