literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
