I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
