why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
