He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
COCAINE IS GR8
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
