did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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