Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize