I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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