Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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