I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I didn't notice because vodka
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
