I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
