so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
