I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
