sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize