This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
