Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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