I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
