I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Everclear isn't food dammit
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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