I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
