No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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