She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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