We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
