There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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