Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
