i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
