matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
