god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
