when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
