I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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