My first STD was from a foam party
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
