I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
