If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize