i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Non-Jews are for practice
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
