Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
