yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
love makes seman taste better
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
