I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
