Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
