nut hugger
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
