I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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