I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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