im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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