If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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