Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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