First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
