Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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