I CAN MOONWALK!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
