Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
