Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
These tits shall not be calmed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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