So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i need some magic done to my vagina
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
