So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize