So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
