sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
