I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
